And it was too hard to look at Jesse's beautiful face, the one Lewis painted so perfectly on a big square canvas that sits in the living room next to the equally gorgeous painting of Jesse's 12 year old brother, JT.
There are still animals to feed here, including a pair of dinosaur sized dogs an Old English Mastiff and a St. Bernard and a miniature Jack Russell Terrier named Siren.
After staying with her mother and stepfather over the holidays Lewis is back home with JT and their menagerie of horses, dogs, chickens and the rest of God's creatures on Wild Rose Farm, the sanctuary for the soul Under Armour Valsetz Rts Tactical Boots
for JT. Together, they feel Jesse running, laughing and skinning his knees in their hearts. And quietly, it comforts them.
So when police approached her and asked if she wanted to return to Sandy Hook School, Lewis agreed almost on the spot, even though she knew Under Armour Shoes Of Stephen Curry how much it was going to hurt.
Even as she holds it together with remarkable grace Scarlett Lewis still hasn't made sense of this tragedy or its oppressive loss. No one has. And maybe the absence of answers is the hardest part of this tragedy.
"I went because Jesse lived that. He was there. I wanted to honor him and be at the place where he lost his life," explained Lewis, who went to the school with her family. "It was devastating, the destruction and damage. I've been going to that school for 12 years. The front doors and the side glass were completely blown out and gone and covered with plywood, but you knew what was under it.
A moment later, she reaches into a plastic sandwich bag and pulls out a small piece of glass. It almost looks like a quartz crystal. Lewis retrieved the glass fragment from Jesse's classroom on Christmas Day.
For Lewis and the other Sandy Hook School families who mourn their children and their loved ones, the heartache is constant and consuming, a burden no one should ever have to carry.
It was too hard to look at Jesse's rubber ducks waiting for him in the bathtub. It was too hard to find one of his toy soldiers on patrol underneath the coffee table.
visceral affirmation of her 6 year old son's life.
Lewis stops talking to lift her glasses and wipe her eyes. The grief, just like the tears, seems to come in waves.
In the days after the shooting, a particularly astute grief counselor told Lewis that Native Americans consider the place where the dead are slain to be sacred ground.
"I remember seeing Jesse sleeping in bed with his little cheek exposed and thinking, 'I have to make a call.' But then I would remind myself not to pass up a moment to kiss his cheek. And I wouldn't. I would always kiss that cheek," Lewis said, her words trailing off into tears. "Never pass up an opportunity like that. Those are gifts. You never know when you won't get another opportunity to kiss that little cheek."
But, somehow, Lewis is pushing through this unrelenting grief for herself, certainly, but even more so Under Armour Shoes For Boys Running
"I used to say it every single night," Lewis said. "And now, I know why I said it. Things become clearer in hindsight because I believe my spirit knew it, too. This happened for a reason. Jesse is here and he's in heaven. He's in both places."
"I feel like his light is so strong," Lewis said Thursday from her 1740s farmhouse with the stone walls, the hay barn, the ample paddock and the huge maple tree that generations of folks have tapped for syrup and solace. "Every night I would cuddle up next to him and I'd put my hand up his shirt, over his heart, and I would say the same prayer: 'Dear Jesus, thank you for this warm body, this heartbeat. He's such a gift. I know you could take him from me at any time, but please don't.'
While Lewis doesn't recognize the world anymore, she recognizes her Jesse everywhere she looks, from the little easel he set up next to hers, to his last handwritten Christmas list, which rests on the fireplace mantel now.
The relic from a shot out window comforts her and gives her strength. Just as importantly, it connects her to Jesse, just like all those rubber ducks and toy soldiers he left behind.
she bought in 1998.
"He took the picture and he looked at it. He was quiet for a while, and he finally said, 'He looks like a very brave boy and I bet this didn't surprise you at all.' I said, 'You're right.' I thought it was very prescient and perceptive of him to realize that."
recited nightly prayer that shows her 'spirit' knew something
"That really resonated with me," said the 44 year old Lewis, an executive assistant for a telecommunications company in Orange. "It made sense to me. The place where my son died was sacred ground."
"And then, the first two classrooms were completely gone. The windows were all blown out. The only other family who had been there was Miss Soto's family," Lewis said of Jesse's teacher, Victoria Soto. "So we took a piece of glass because there was glass scattered all over and we had a little ceremony. We said we're going to carry around a piece of glass and we're going to remember Jesse's bravery.
Just two days earlier, Jesse McCord Lewis had been shot and killed at Sandy Hook Elementary School. The little boy was one of 20 first graders and six staff members who died the morning of Dec. 14.
"I really didn't know what to expect," Lewis said of the president's meeting. "He asked for a picture, and I showed him a picture of Jesse, the one everyone has of him in his soccer uniform. I told him, 'I just want you to know he died a hero. He ran into harm's way.'
More than ever, Scarlett Lewis is grateful for the six years she spent with Jesse, the little boy who loved her back, times infinity.
NEWTOWN Scarlett Lewis never set out to meet President Barack Obama, especially with a broken heart in her hands. But there was a distinct comfort in his presence at Newtown High School, a visible and Under Armour Fat Tire Spec Ops
"Slobber is love in this house," Lewis tells a visitor with a damp hand to prove it.
Even now, Scarlett Lewis remembers how soft those cheeks were and how delicious they smelled.
But the soft edges between perception and reality didn't last long. Within hours, the president was back in Washington, and Lewis was left to face another night without her son.
"It's really hard for me to come back here because my boys were my life. I'm a single parent, and I did everything with them," said Lewis, finding a way to get out the words. "Everybody used to laugh at me because I would say, 'OK, we're getting up. We're doing a hike this morning. We're going horseback riding this afternoon and we're going to a movie tonight.' It was all these jam packed days with my boys. And now they're gone."
For nearly three weeks after the shooting, Scarlett Lewis couldn't go home to the Sandy Hook farm she loves. Not by herself, anyway.
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